My favorite joke ever

[Malbert]

A guy walks into his local Harley Davidson to purchase a bike; he looks around and decides to purchase one with the most chrome possible. The salesguy tells him, "You're going to want to carry around some Vaseline at all times because you'll need to put on the chrome before it rains, and that will protect the finish." After purchasing his bike, he and his girlfriend go to her parents' house for Thanksgiving dinner for the first time as a couple. She tells him, "Just so you know, whoever is the first to talk after dinner has to do all the dishes." So, they have a great dinner and have wonderful conversation during the meal. After they have put down their forks, not a peep is uttered. After several minutes he guy with the bike decides to fix that, so he grabs his girlfriend and they have crazy, wild sex right on the table. When they finish, no one says a word; so he ups the ante and grabs the mother and has even wilder, crazy sex with HER on the table with dishes falling to the floor, silverwear flying all over. They finish, and again, no one says a thing. Just then, a loud clap of thunder rumbles from outside indicating a downpour is right around the corner, so the guy stands up and reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. With that the father says, "Never mind; I'll do the dishes."

[Voodoo Billy]

A man goes for a medical prior to starting a new job. He strips down and the doctor gives him a thorough check-up. The man puts his clothes back on and sits to await the doctor's report. "You're fine" says the doctor, "the only problem is you appear to have VD". "That's impossible" says the man, disgustedly. "No, you certainly have VD" replies the doctor. There's silence before the man retorts smugly, "I must have caught it off a toilet seat".
"You must have chewed it" smirks the doctor "it's in your gums".


Mr B. Manning (God rest his soul).

[Dave Smith]

Man goes to a chinese brothel in London .Up on the side is a menu showing prices "blowjob £200,full sex £400,the penguin £50".He says to the owner "I havent got much money...why is it called the penguin ???"."aaaahhh siiir...pay and find out...".

He hands his £50 over and a gorgeous naked girl tells him to lie down on a table.She pulls his trousers down to his knees and starts wanking him off.Just at the moment of climax she lets go his cock and starts walking off.The man jumps from the table still with his trousers round his knees and waddles after her.He shouts to the owner "what the fuck was that?".The owner sticks his head round the door and says "now you know why its called the fucking penguin!"

[Malbert]

That joke is a whole bowl (no pun intended re: chewing on toilet seat of one) of 'wrong', yet I'm thoroughly amused by it :)
How about this one:

A cop monitoring speeders sees a driver with a truck load of penguins. He pulls the truck over and asks the driver, "What are you doing with those penguins?" The driver replies, "These are my penguins, officer." and the policeman says, "You need to take them to the zoo." and the driver says "ok" and drives off. The next day, same cop sees the same truck load of penguins, but they're wearing sunglasses. He pulls the truck over and says to the driver, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!" and the driver says "That was a great idea, and today we're going to the beach!"

[Mr. Brian]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

[Malbert]

Ha ha ha ha ha.....those jokes are fantastic!

[Malbert]

A guy is sitting in his living room watching tv and hears the door bell ring. He gets up, opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A year later, he's in his living room watching tv and hears the door bell ring. He gets up, opens the door and the snail says "What was that all about?"

[black francis]

A guy and his dog walk into a bar and the bartender says "Hey no dogs allowed" so the guy says you don't understand this dog is special, he can talk! so the bartender says okay lemme see this and the guy asks the dog "who is the greatest baseballl player of all time?" and the dog goes "Roof!"

The bartender rolls his eyes and throws both the dog and the guy out on their asses and as they're sitting there on the sidewalk the dog says "What did you want me to say? DiMaggio?"

[Malbert]

I told my husband the other day "I think my breasts are too small. What do you think I should do about it? I don't want to have surgery." He said "How about you take a piece of toilet paper and rub it in between your breasts a few times each day'' I replied "Really? How long do you think it will take to get results?" and he said "Oh, it will take years, I'm sure." So I said "What?! It's going to take years?! And how do I even know it will work?" He looked at me with a smirk and said "Well, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

[walking in the rain]

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you
marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account,
a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a well." The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

[Ivan]

what's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?


the first one shucks between fits...

[hotty375]

Guy meets a girl in the bar and asks her ' What's your name?'

She replies "Carmen, 'cos i love cars and men! What's yours?'

He replies "Charlie Beer-fanny!"

[In The Margins]

A blind guy and his seeing eye dog walk into a store. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head by the tail. A sales clerk comes over and asks, "May I help you?" The blind guy says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

[black francis]

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for
Drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[JackT]

A Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Somewhere Chris Adams is on the floor holding his sides.