by black francis » Fri May 22, 2009 2:10 pm
review of the single from which the above picture was taken
Morrissey – I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris
The Pope Of Mope Is Off To Gay Pah-ree
The best way I've found to describe my initial reaction to hearing Morrissey's latest single is as follows: Imagine Kermit the Frog belting out a showtune-style medley of Duran Duran's "Save A Prayer" and U2's "Beautiful Day" with the vocal stylings of Liza Minelli.
Does that make you want to hear it?
Tell you what. I'll throw in a clarinet solo. How about now?
While writing this review, I initially felt I should apologize for whatever visual my previous description may have created in people's heads. That was, of course, until I realized that any picture my description may conjure pales in comparison to what I stumbled upon while doing research for this review.
The photo on the cover sleeve of this song's vinyl single reveals five men completely naked, including the almost 50-year-old Morrissey (Moz), with their seven-inchers fully displayed for the world to see.
And by seven-inchers, I'm referring to the 7-inch 45s that have been strategically placed over each man's tallywacker. Seems Moz is getting a bit cocky as of late.
Not only is viewing this scene something nobody should suffer, but, in the buff, Moz looks like that over-zealous, freshly-released-from-prison uncle who always offers his house as an easy place to crash. It's like the last thing you might see shortly after Uncle Moz and a few of his buddies have slipped you a roofie.
With this latest single, Moz continues his tradition of naming songs as if he were blogging. "I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris" could easily be mistaken for his latest LiveJournal entry, listed alongside "I Don't Mind If You Forget Me," "Honey, You Know Where to Find Me," "My Life Is a Succession of People Saying Goodbye," and "How Can Anybody Possibly Know How I Feel?"
This song's lyrics are dreadfully simplistic and vapid. Moz is terribly blasé as he tells his partner "you made yourself very plain" and "nobody wants my love." Then, he yammers on about how "only stone and steel accept my love." The solution for all of this inhumanity? A trip to Paris.
Might I suggest San Francisco instead?
The song's music is as bland as its lyrics with its tolerable yet predictable melody. Even the inclusion of clarinet can't make this track interesting. For somebody hailed as a groundbreaker and a legend by his fans, this tune is remarkably generic.
Whereas I don't necessarily agree with the Meatmen (who once sang that Moz should be slapped with a toe tag), this song is definitely uninspired, trite and a waste of sound waves.
Unless you need another four minutes tacked on to end of the mix tape for your upcoming holiday in Provincetown, don't bother downloading this single.
And no matter what side of the fence you land on, steer clear of Moz's seven-incher.
With the Force as his ally he did battle with the Dark Lord. And he showed the measure of a true Jedi at a place called "The Death Star" where hope for the Galaxy was reborn. May all who struggle against tyranny hold his memory in their hearts