make me smile please friends
i need a laugh
19 posts
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i need a laugh
by tonywojo » Mon May 18, 2009 12:30 pm
make me smile please friends
i sometimes use caps and punctuation for emphasis
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by black francis » Mon May 18, 2009 12:48 pm
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful..
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, undaunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation, I'll have some!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you place your order now, we will be sure to save you this delicacy for tomorrow"
The cowboy placed the order and the next evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor ... sometimes the bull wins."
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, undaunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation, I'll have some!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you place your order now, we will be sure to save you this delicacy for tomorrow"
The cowboy placed the order and the next evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor ... sometimes the bull wins."
With the Force as his ally he did battle with the Dark Lord. And he showed the measure of a true Jedi at a place called "The Death Star" where hope for the Galaxy was reborn. May all who struggle against tyranny hold his memory in their hearts
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black francis - Bunnygod
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by black francis » Mon May 18, 2009 12:59 pm
3 ladies out playing golf. One hits a wayward ball and screams four. Unfortunately, the ball hits a group of men. One of the men immediately bends down screaming in pain and clutching both hands in his groin. Feeling bad the guilty lady runs over to him. "I am a physical therapist allow me to help" she says. Gently removing both his hands she inserts her hand down his trousers and begins to massage his private parts. "how does that feel, better?" she asks. He replies "sweetheart it feels great! but I think my thumb is still broken!!"
With the Force as his ally he did battle with the Dark Lord. And he showed the measure of a true Jedi at a place called "The Death Star" where hope for the Galaxy was reborn. May all who struggle against tyranny hold his memory in their hearts
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black francis - Bunnygod
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by withahip » Mon May 18, 2009 8:39 pm
An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66.
He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week.
The lady says "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the
door, turns around and says:
"Fluc you Amelicans too!"
He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week.
The lady says "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the
door, turns around and says:
"Fluc you Amelicans too!"
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by JackT » Mon May 18, 2009 8:48 pm
A guy comes home early from work and announces "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!!!!"
The wife says, "Oh my goodness how exciting! What should I pack for? The mountains? The shore? The tropics?"
The guys says, "I don't care just get the fuck out."
The wife says, "Oh my goodness how exciting! What should I pack for? The mountains? The shore? The tropics?"
The guys says, "I don't care just get the fuck out."
"He was a mongoose, rather like a little cat in his fur and his tail, but quite like a weasel in his head and his habits."
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by Mr. Brian » Mon May 18, 2009 10:14 pm
Two men are hiking in a forest and see a bear.
The first man starts changing into a pair of running shoes.
The other man says "That's stupid, you can't outrun a bear!"
"True", says the first man. "But I only need to outrun you"
The first man starts changing into a pair of running shoes.
The other man says "That's stupid, you can't outrun a bear!"
"True", says the first man. "But I only need to outrun you"
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by black francis » Tue May 19, 2009 12:02 am
God I wish I could tell some of bad taste jokes.
With the Force as his ally he did battle with the Dark Lord. And he showed the measure of a true Jedi at a place called "The Death Star" where hope for the Galaxy was reborn. May all who struggle against tyranny hold his memory in their hearts
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black francis - Bunnygod
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- Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2007 1:02 am
by black francis » Tue May 19, 2009 12:06 am
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
Because they think men care.
With the Force as his ally he did battle with the Dark Lord. And he showed the measure of a true Jedi at a place called "The Death Star" where hope for the Galaxy was reborn. May all who struggle against tyranny hold his memory in their hearts
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black francis - Bunnygod
- Posts: 10250
- Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2007 1:02 am
by black francis » Tue May 19, 2009 12:07 am
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
With the Force as his ally he did battle with the Dark Lord. And he showed the measure of a true Jedi at a place called "The Death Star" where hope for the Galaxy was reborn. May all who struggle against tyranny hold his memory in their hearts
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black francis - Bunnygod
- Posts: 10250
- Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2007 1:02 am
by black francis » Tue May 19, 2009 12:08 am
Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
Because they want to.
With the Force as his ally he did battle with the Dark Lord. And he showed the measure of a true Jedi at a place called "The Death Star" where hope for the Galaxy was reborn. May all who struggle against tyranny hold his memory in their hearts
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black francis - Bunnygod
- Posts: 10250
- Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2007 1:02 am
by black francis » Tue May 19, 2009 12:12 am
The Use of Computers in Movies
Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
The most relevant information is displayed in a separate windows right in the middle of the screen, but there's never an Ok button to other way to close it.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see Fortress).
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read.
The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. (See The Hunt For Red October or Alien)
All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
Corollary: sending data to a modem/tape drive/printer faster than expected causes it to explode.
People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. (See the opening credits for The Hunt For Red October)
A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
Any PERMISSION DENIED error has an OVERRIDE function (see Demolition Man and countless others).
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems (especially the wireless ones they must be using when they're in the car) usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
When the power plant/missile-site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access them.
No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because none of the buttons are labelled.
Most computers, no matter how small, are able to produce reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics, with little or no detailed input from the user.
Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see Alien, 2001, Jurassic Park).
Either a Jacob's Ladder or a Van Der Graaf Generator is absolutely necessary for the operation of new, experimental computers (especially when built by brilliant scientists), although in real life, these devices do absolutely nothing.
One can issue any complex set of commands in a few keystokes (see Star Trek).
The internet connects to everything in the movies. You can edit credit records, search hotel registries, lookup police criminal files, search (and edit) drivers license databases, edit social security files and more just using the internet! (see The Net)
Smashing the VDU prevents the whole system from working (see Speed).
You can launch nuclear missles from any bedroom using an analog modem, but only if you know a single secret password (see War Games).
Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
The most relevant information is displayed in a separate windows right in the middle of the screen, but there's never an Ok button to other way to close it.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see Fortress).
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read.
The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. (See The Hunt For Red October or Alien)
All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
Corollary: sending data to a modem/tape drive/printer faster than expected causes it to explode.
People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. (See the opening credits for The Hunt For Red October)
A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
Any PERMISSION DENIED error has an OVERRIDE function (see Demolition Man and countless others).
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems (especially the wireless ones they must be using when they're in the car) usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
When the power plant/missile-site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access them.
No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because none of the buttons are labelled.
Most computers, no matter how small, are able to produce reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics, with little or no detailed input from the user.
Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see Alien, 2001, Jurassic Park).
Either a Jacob's Ladder or a Van Der Graaf Generator is absolutely necessary for the operation of new, experimental computers (especially when built by brilliant scientists), although in real life, these devices do absolutely nothing.
One can issue any complex set of commands in a few keystokes (see Star Trek).
The internet connects to everything in the movies. You can edit credit records, search hotel registries, lookup police criminal files, search (and edit) drivers license databases, edit social security files and more just using the internet! (see The Net)
Smashing the VDU prevents the whole system from working (see Speed).
You can launch nuclear missles from any bedroom using an analog modem, but only if you know a single secret password (see War Games).
With the Force as his ally he did battle with the Dark Lord. And he showed the measure of a true Jedi at a place called "The Death Star" where hope for the Galaxy was reborn. May all who struggle against tyranny hold his memory in their hearts
-
black francis - Bunnygod
- Posts: 10250
- Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2007 1:02 am
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