I just found out my "girlfriend" is (NOT) a junkie

[Dave Smith]

I think I should start acting really messed up so I can find a nice boyfriend. It seems to work.

You're in there Evil!Do you like Red Berets?

[Voodoo Billy]

You're in there Evil!Do you like Red Berets?

Is that an affectionate name for a Ginger minge?

[Dave Smith]

Is that an affectionate name for a Ginger minge?

Hey Diva!Do your cuffs match your collars?

[the ghost of guitarplayer]

Red berets? What does that mean other than a ginger minge?

[Dave Smith]

If thats her in the picture she is wearing a red beret.Very innocent me.

[Voodoo Billy]

I was expecting at least one picture of Geri Halliwell's 'lady-garden' by now. GOGP is losing his touch.

[the ghost of guitarplayer]

Better late than never. Can't provide a Geri Halliwell 'lady-garden' picture I'm afraid, but Geri Halliwell in a garden centre, if that is an acceptable second maybe fourth rate gag.

[Voodoo Billy]

Looks like she's wearing Mr McCulloch's coat as well.

[Voodoo Billy]

On a totally un-minge-related note, do you think Homebase are aware that Ms Halliwell is in the habit of entering their stores and binning their fine garden products?

[the ghost of guitarplayer]

On a totally minge-related note, I notice that shrub that Halliwell has needs serious pruning work. No wonder she's looking at it in disgust. I feel sorry for the kid in the pushchair.

[Dave Smith]

How do you know its a kid?Looks like a large plant-pot from behind.Or is that her minge...

[the ghost of guitarplayer]

Well unless it is a midget who prefers to travel around in a child's pushchair because she can't be arsed to walk around and is employing Geri Halliwell and friend as a slave both to push her to the shops and to choose suitable plants for her garden, there is a leg with a shoe attached to it at the bottom of the pushchair that kind of gives the game away. Of course, I also had the benefit of seeing other similar pictures of the Homebase visit while selecting that one to confirm it is indeed a child.



The midget isn't happy though. She wanted orchids not cheapo 30 pot plants for £3.99 and a pink plastic watering can.

[Dr Evil]

Even in the event that I and my supervisor had put two and two together and made five regarding substance abuse, she has serious spending issues. Perhaps she has a house full of ladies shoes? I think one way to get her out of the mess she is in would be to take control of her finances. As a regular Scrooge, I'd soon have her out of difficulty. She has actually suggested this previously. Looking after three kids on her own probably is expensive, but she is out of control. Apparently she had one man who abused her, then a solvent, clever nice guy with a good job, who treated her like a Queen, but according to her got "grumpy" so she said she left him. I'd like to meet this man-he seems to have fled up North. I wonder why?
She told me the nice guy said he'd "always love her" so I told her to go and vamp him (neatly absolving me of any responsibility) but she made various excuses. She really is great company but I expect this man ditched her to retain his sanity and what was left of his bank balance. Anyhow, I haven't contacted her for a week, I needed to come up for air from her sea of sorrow before I drowned. But I'll be back, unless someone else has took her on by then. I told her she was my project. (A bit like the one Dr Frankenstein took on.) I really must add that it was not some anti-drug (assuming it is drugs) moralism that made me take a break from her, simply the fact that it was time for her to take responsibility for her reckless spending.
I'm fond of her, but I am even more appreciative of being a life-long bachelor now.
Women=Trouble.

[Dr Evil]

P.S. Dear Laura, I don't think it's the shoes. Tarred with the same brush with your boyfriend in Southampton? A bit more recent I think judging from the live video on the net of that drug raid a couple of months back-I'll spare you the embarrassment by not posting the link. And you lied about your age honey-having your age published must be sufficient punishment.. It's the naughty corner for you my girl. I'll still visit you if you are nicked, and if it's too long, build an army of androids to spring you from jail, though I'll have to make a bit more money to do that after all your spending...

Should I go round to her house, let her lie though her teeth and then give her the printout, or would that be cruel? No doubt she'd turn on the waterworks. Strangely enough, I still adore her-perhaps more. But is there a "her" to adore, or just a total fake, some sort of facade of a lovely woman? It's a bit like the Terminator series with Cameron when they can't decide if she has a human or machine personality.
Is there a patron saint of hopeless causes I can pray to?

[black francis]

Ah young love.